Why He May Divorce You…
The majority of single ladies (and single mothers) had a man at some point in their lives. They lost him. For good. And now, they are trusting God for (yet) another man. Good man. But was their first man really a bad man? That bad that they couldn’t make it in marriage? And is there a likelihood of repeating the same old story with man number 2? Gottman, a relationship researcher indicates that there are two main reasons and times for divorce:
- 5-7 years due to high conflict
- 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy and connection
No couple married expecting and planning to divorce someday. Otherwise they wouldn’t have married in the first place. Almost all relationships start in a blissful never-ending sweetness. If you feel your relationship is too stable for such ‘petty’ discussion as divorce, WATCH! I have 15 reasons why men divorce women. In the interest of your precious time, allow me to highlight 5…this might rescue a relationship headed to the dogs, unknowingly.
- You’ve become a yoyo woman
You used to be his pretty girlfriend. Grooming 24/7. But now, you’ve gotten hold of him. Your evening wear is like a t-shirt chewed by a calf. His friends ask him why you can’t keep your hair smart. Every other girl in town except you has a rough idea that at least one ought to be hot during occasions. But, wait a minute; all this can’t make your man divorce you (yet). He will only look for excuses for being out with the boys. However, the behaviour graduates to disinterest in making love with consistent ‘NOs’. A woman who can’t groom hardly ever thinks sex is a priority in marriage. Gradually, she deteriorates to an unattractive woman. Admired only by her shamba boy. I agree with you that he should play a role in your grooming. But suppose he doesn’t? And there are too many men who don’t remember to buy clothes or take their woman to the salon with no ill intentions at all. They are just not cultured that way. While I am not defending such a culture, as a woman, you have a personal responsibility to keep cool. Don’t make him feel short-changed.
- What type of a man are you?
He’s just lost his job. Or, the business is struggling to rise from the ashes. It’s a perfect time to hammer him. Right? Comparing him with other (especially, successful) men? You will be lucky to have him 6 more months down the lane. Strangely, lots of women keep comparing their man with other men unconsciously. Hey, I like his car… wah, that guy is a go-getter… I really admire the way he treats his wife…or speaking negatively all the time like a 4-year old (raised in a negative family). And since you believe that he should be the provider, you arrogantly refuse to be his financial partner. When he was doing okey, he shared ‘his’ resources with the family. He expected you to offer support in his downtime.
Truth be told, the fellowship may be shaken. But the situation is temporal and the relationship is permanent. Guard from not losing permanent values at the expense of a passing cloud. Yes, some men can overstretch pitty party far too long to cause uncalled for tension. Remember, however, that you can pass the message without pulling a comparison. For some men, the unspoken message is that you prefer that other guy and given a chance, you would rather be with him (all the way). He feels disrespected. He feels that you are competing for power. Competing for control. At this point, his position is threatened. He feels neglected and explores options.
- Hey, be a man!
Perpetual outbursts more-so during his dispirited moments. Worst statement ever to a man…be a man! (or as phased in the previous point: what type of a man are you?) Challenging his manhood. At this point, (dare) volunteer to move out or attempt to threaten him that you will walk out on him…and coincidentally, he finds someone along the way of life who can listen to him..and (give) him some peace of mind…and she keeps it hot…YOURS IS OVER! It’s gone to the doldrums. The path of no return till He returns! Especially when he is suffering emotionally is a sure recipe for either a chaotic relationship or divorce.
Unfortunately, many women behave as though their man is supposed to be a superman. Perhaps today’s girls have watched too much Hollywood and they can scarcely draw a line between acting and reality. Yes, just like women, men hurt. We may express heart aches differently but the truth is that men hurt longer. While women easily share their life struggles with peers over and over again, thereby relieving the pains, men hardly share emotional challenges. They continue watching Manchester Vs Liverpool or politicking as though nothing is going on in the inside.
- The math (just) don’t add up
He’s been away on duty or on studies overseas. Comes back home after 10 months. She is 6-months pregnant. While he doesn’t keep details like his woman. The math just don’t add up. Even in his worst estimate, the pregnancy shouldn’t be more than 4 months. No matter how much she tries to convince him, the math simply can’t add up. Many women behave as though they are mind readers and assume that men are simply idiots. Lady, you are dead wrong. It’s true that we don’t keep calendar of eventful bed moments. But we aint that stupid, either. When maths don’t add up, your man imagines it wasn’t a one-off affair. It was just Ali Baba’s 40th day. This must have been your lifestyle, he reasons. Trust is gone. Men’s egos are extremely fragile. Men’s insecurities signal rejection. This arouses wrath almost beyond repair. Specially if he has been a responsible man. Providing both financial and emotional support to his family. But guess what…he may never talk about it. It might scratch his wounded ego further. He may quietly walk away…and never return.
- Post it on social media
You may have committed the gravest crime to your man. But never make a mistake of spewing it on social media. Or any public forum. Not even to his best man without his permission. No man wants the world to know that his woman was caught red-handed. This injures the core of his manhood. All that he was holding dear is now lost. He has no other reason to hold it together. With proper counselling, many men will forgive (after all, they are not perfect either). Unfortunately, there are ladies who regularly update the world on every bit of their life journey. Not with any bad intentions. It’s just feminine to seek solace from her social life. That said, you must, however, remember, that marriage is about two people. You (just) can’t resolve conflicts or seek for healing your own way. It must be mutually agreed if you desire the relationship to continue. Believe me; the average man can’t handle public display of theatrics. We normally draw a clear line between our public and private lives.
Join me at the Laico Regency Hotel on 2nd Oct 2015 from 6pm to 8pm for an electrifying session on “Why Men are Linear and Women are Cyclic”. What a better way to spend your Friday evening? Keeping the main thing, the main thing: relationships. With solid relationships, you will find life more enjoyable and fulfilling. Married and singles are all welcome to an exciting moment to examine the differences between men and women and how to make the most out of each gender. There’s a cocktail fee of 2K. To book, call: 0718315551; 0725215711; 0721419430 or 0722278176 on or before 25th September. Unfortunately we will not allow any bookings after 25th Sept for logistics purposes. We meet the 1st Friday of every month for motivation, life coaching and mentorship.
For our Sense 101 Life Club members, I do a 100% absolutely free personalized follow up on their lives including helping them to draw a success Accountable Matrix. In addition, I host round table meetings with smaller groups of club members where we get into details in career and business talks like: “public speaking”; “project financing”; and “government tendering”. At a registration fee of KES 1,000, you can become an active member of SENSE 101 Life Club, the fastest growing and most inspirational mentorship club in Africa. Thereby, we shall network you with other winners for your holistic success. Feel free to browse www.kinyanjuinganga.com for previous articles and subscribe to receive free inspirational articles in your inbox.
Dr. Kinyanjui Nganga, PhD – Life Coach, Motivational Speaker and Corporate Trainer