Why your Career Woman may Divorce you…
She is empowered. Feminism has cascaded down from the international arena to our offices and homes. Social stigma on divorce has run away with the birds. Too many references of those who followed suit are increasing by the day forming social support pillars that cushion women from the distress of yesteryears. Focus for several years now has been on protecting the girl child. And to sound up-to-date, you must arbitrarily support everything feminine from State appointments to family battles. Some counsellors, advisors, psychotherapists and pastors have sacrificed the gospel truth at the altar of popularity, convenience and bucks. They tell you what you want to hear rather than what is right. No wonder a number of them keep breaking relationships and opening ‘counselling’ offices! I know a renowned marriage counsellor in Kenya in his 4th marriage. And these are the people you call relationship experts??
Oh unto the boy child! Oh unto today’s husband! He’s crucified from every side. Am I suggesting we turn back to the oppressive patriarchal society? Absolutely not. And majority of our ladies are still descent, balanced and great team players. There is, however, need for today’s men to have a conversation on effective ways to handle today’s rather ‘complex’ career woman. Make no mistake, I do not claim to be a ‘Mr. Know It All’, rather, I am one with a sincere passion for families. One out of three families in Nairobi ends up in divorce. In the U.S., it’s 50%. Divorce is painful. Very painful. Very costly. Wishing the matter away, however, will not solve the problem. It isn’t a new problem, either. Four thousand years ago, Moses structured the subject in clear detailed laws. Jesus addressed the root cause of divorce 2000 years ago.
The primary cause for divorce is marriage. Divorce is truly not the issue. It is a symptom of an underlying issue that most sociologists cannot find in their books. And you can’t solve a problem that you don’t understand. The real issue in the society today is relationships. I read on this subject almost every day. Coming to a conclusion that even the ‘most’ stable families, in the light of today’s realities, can crumble. The wise husband, therefore, must provide proactive leadership.
I present my case today for families in a (somewhat) paradoxical approach by examining why your career woman may ‘out of the blue’ walk out on you. In tandem with the scarce time at your disposal, I limit today’s discourse to only 6 key arguments.
- Irreconcilable differences on financial management
Lots of men believe that women’s ‘only’ interest in a relationship is money. This may be partially true in some cases, for some women. But the overwhelming majority of women get into a relationship yearning for permanence. When transparency lacks matters money, she naturally speculates on how he spends his money. And if she is totally convinced that he is spending his money elsewhere, the average career woman with her independent purse will explore options. She will entertain thoughts that she might as well go it her own way. Your expenditures reveal your behaviour with precision. And if you can’t explain how you spend your money, the likelihood that you are hiding something is high. Way forward: be financial partners with your spouse. That doesn’t imply a joint bank account. Though, there’s nothing wrong with that arrangement. The message is: be transparent, matters money. This will safeguard you in your downtimes in managing her expectations.
- She doesn’t make me happy
Many men believe that women are supposed to make them happy. No, she won’t. Marriage will never make you happy. Marriage does not solve problems. Marriage reveals problems. Underlying issues that each couple needs to deal with are perfectly revealed in marriage than in any other institution. Marriage brings out your true self. Nobody is responsible for your happiness. You are. Women were created to multiply whatever they get. You ‘give’ her peace and she will multiply ‘peace’ in that home. ‘Give’ her quarrels and she will multiply the same for you. Last week, I wrote that I have 15 reasons why men divorce women. One lady replied, I have 100 reasons why women divorce men. See how it works…give her one sentence in an argument and she will give you back 10 more sentences. So what? Whatever you give comes back to you. Give love and it will come back to you…overflowing. Remember this must be love according to her definition of love. Yes, it’s not that composite stuff…it’s about a daily love text, a dinner out, salsa dance, movie outing, a surprise outfit, a birthday card, dropping her to the salon or gym, dropping the kids to school and simply but sincerely affirming her everyday: I love you.
- You sit on the couch as she works
I’ve often heard men say that ‘she left me when I lost my job’ or ‘she left me because she earns more’. But that’s not true. These are characteristics of an underlying bigger problem being unearthed. Women have a much higher tolerance than men. She won’t just walk away because you lost a job. But because you’ve lost focus. You’ve lost a purpose for living. You no longer have a vision for your family much less your personal vision. The average career woman understands that job/business loss situation is temporal. It doesn’t define her man. But if the ‘pity-party’ continues indefinitely without any effort to change the situation, she may eventually weary down. A few will accept their new situation of living with a zombie husband. Most will not. Besides, inability to provide for his family (indefinitely) robs a man his pride as a husband. So what? Never mourn on what you cannot change. Scan the environment fast enough and address the way forward out of the temporal quagmire. Make the most of what you have rather than mourning what you do not have. And in a short while, you will turn the tables around. Hey, one more thing…don’t be too intimidated (or shy) to confide in a male friend. He might (just) throw you some useful ideas.
- That nagging midnight text
Day in day out, ‘accidental’ suggestive texts from Venus hit your phone screen from different quarters. She has bought the idea twice in the past that it was just a colleague from work. ‘We just flirt, no strings attached, please’????? She gave you a chance to reform. Instead, you called her names of all domestic animals. Depicting a controlling and abusive character. Before long, this will catch up with you. Even the most bearing among women can only hold for so long. More-so with countless ‘female colleagues’ hanging around your neck. While I may sound archaic and antiquated, I come from the school of thought that I shouldn’t receive a text that I do not want my wife to see. She has ALL my passwords/PINs from my phone, email addresses to credit cards. While some of you will struggle to believe…in almost 13 years of marriage, we have never had to discuss ‘that other woman’ or ‘that other man’. My story is not unique by any stretch of the imagination. Let this fact not escape your mind; many families still live above aboard with nothing to hide from each other. Naked and not ashamed. When your company is among losers, you form the notion that all families are failing. No, not at all. Success is not accidental. It’s deliberate. You may need to change your level of associations. Marriage never fails. People fail. The institution is intact. A miserable marriage is a reflection of two people frustrating each other. But they never frustrate the God-instituted institution. They fail themselves. The good news is that people change. But change must be deliberate and conscious. By deliberately studying marriage through practical seminars, guides and having mentors who are credible role models. Be a student of life, as I am.
- The absent clubbing hubby
You are never there. You have enough excuses why there was a strategy meeting that spilled to late night…then a staff party that lasted till 5am…then some workshops that ended up with cocktails and, for your career growth, you had to be the last person to leave…then the two days remaining in the month, you needed to catch up with the boys…watu ndio mali? Worse still, you club with bachelors who can’t encourage you to go home. By and by, your relationship lacks emotional connection. She finds solace in duties. Or children. Then you begin to complain that your wife doesn’t ‘feel’ you anymore. Clearly, you forgot something very basic about women: love=time. Even in biblical terms, this makes sense. If you claim to love God, then you spend time with Him. If you want to kill a bull frog by boiling him in water, he will pop out as soon as you dip him in hot water. The way to go around it is to put him in cold water in a sufuria. Then gently heat. He begins to enjoy the warmth. Unawares of increase in temperatures…he ‘wakes’ up dead. And that’s how relationships die. Disconnecting one day in the disguise of work…then two days…two weeks…eventually, you can’t ‘feel’ each other. ‘Luckily’, you can reverse the trend in the same way you acquired it. Knowing that spending time together makes you bond, deliberately create moments to be together on a daily basis. Quality time. And quantity time. Stand up for your woman in that club and dare the boys, I will only be available for you guys, say, on Saturdays only…I have a marriage to protect. This has a bearing on your own health. Your wife’s pride. And your children’s prospects.
- You are still mama’s boy
You are mama’s boy. You’ve made your wife the clan chef. Family decisions are made by your ‘side’. Make no mistake, she loves your people. But she wants a clear distinction between ‘your’ (extended) family and ‘her’ (nuclear) family. Your (extended) family has booked your entire diary. Easter is family gathering. Christmas is family get together. Your sister lives with you. Occasionally your brother shows up for a week. And your mother camps for at least 3 months in a year. And you still think that you are a husband? Truth be told, you’ve made your wife one of your close relatives. Or a cordon bleu. No longer your lover girl. This accounts to 4.5% of all divorce cases. Stand up for your family (wife and children). Draw a clear line that cannot be crossed even as you attempt to honour your parents. You may borrow a leaf from a sound practice that has worked for many couples. When you need to give your mum some money, let your wife send. When she needs to give her dad some money, let her allow you to do the transaction. This way, you send a strong signal to both families that the two of you are one. Inseparable. Remember that old country song by Kenny Rogers…islands in the streams…nothing in between…
So, where does the buck stop?
Last week I posted a challenge to women, ‘why he may divorce you’. Obviously, some ladies didn’t like it. Understandably so. Divorce is an emotive reality. But wishing it away won’t resolve the issue either. Today I have posted a challenge to men, ‘why your career woman may divorce you’. Undoubtedly, some men will not be amused. The real question remains, if we are challenging both parties, where does the buck stop? The buck stops with the man as the leader of the family. No doubt that both partners have a significant role to play and, hence, my challenge to both. But the man must offer leadership. Then and only then will she naturally submit as a response to his love and sound leadership.
But, gentlemen, I have given the subject a lot of thought, interviewed many people, read several books and closely studied thriving marriages and I have come to a deliberate conclusion that deviates from conventions…we were taught that a good wife keeps her family intact. I beg to differ with that tradition. Success lies in leadership. Not bullying your partner, but offering leadership in a genuine team spirit characterised by a never-ending quest for learning. Marriage doesn’t accidentally succeed. Marriage is work. We all make mistakes. What is tragic, however, is to keep repeating the same mistakes. Relationships require growth. This growth is neither automatic nor accidental.
Whoever you are, wherever you are and at whatever situation, stop blaming anyone for your woes. Take responsibility for your own success. Examine yourself and stop justifying that it is your partner on the wrong. We don’t need to justify who is right. We need to do the right thing. Stop wasting time proving your point. Or proving the other party’s point is not valid. Even in this article, learn to pick what is applicable to you and don’t labour to prove a point is wrong. The author’s intention is right. Wisdom requires you learn what to ignore in any relationship and capitalize on enriching others. Not fault finding. But working on how best to improve all your relationships.
To learn more, join me at the Laico Regency Hotel next week Friday the 2nd Oct 2015 from 6pm to 8pm for an electrifying session on “Why Men are Linear and Women are Cyclic”. The session is open for both singles and the married and you will definitely learn on how to make the most out of each gender. There’s a cocktail fee of 2K. To book, call: 0718315551; 0725215711; 0721419430 or 0722278176 on or before this week Friday the 25th September. Unfortunately we will not allow any bookings after 25th Sept for logistics purposes. We meet the 1st Friday of every month for motivation, life coaching and mentorship. The last session on 4th Sept, we were examining “Personality Dramas” and in August, we were examining “I Don’t Need A Job”. In case you missed, feel free to browse www.kinyanjuinganga.com for previous articles and subscribe to receive free inspirational articles in your inbox. We will communicate in due course when to release the DVDs of previous motivational sessions to the public.
We do a 100% absolutely free personalized follow up for our Sense 101 Life Club members. In addition, I host round table meetings with smaller groups of club members on personal branding, career growth, life-work balance, performance management and entrepreneurship. At a registration fee of KES 1,000, you can become an active member of SENSE 101 Life Club, the fastest growing and most inspirational mentorship club in Africa whereby you shall network with other winners for your holistic success.
Dr. Kinyanjui Nganga, PhD – Life Coach, Motivational Speaker and Corporate Trainer